My dream of being a mum put on hold... Never!
Following the post-partum infection from the D&E following the delivery of the twins, and of course to top it off - the pseudo-membranous colitis from the second round of surgery - D&C, I was told it would be 6-9 months before I could try IUI again. This was devastating news, we all know as you reach 40 and beyond the chances are slimmer, I know the fact that I fell pregnant was always a positive but still I didn't want to have to wait so long before I could try again.
I admit, I had to go through some counselling to ensure that in my heart of hearts I knew that trying for another baby was never going to replace my twin boys, I had a twinge of guilt that maybe I was thinking about trying again too soon, had I really mourned the loss of the boys properly or enough, if I do fall pregnant again will I love that baby as much - all of these thoughts were going through my head.
I came to realise that for as long as I live, I will never forget my little Sebastien and Samuel, I know they will always be the Angels looking over and taking care of their little brother or sister one day and taking care of me as I travel the rest of this journey called Life. I told myself it was OK to try for a little brother or sister and that I would love any child of mine just as much and I had to give this another shot.
Keep in mind, I had quit my career and corporate rat race to focus on me and my health - #1 importance! I used this time wisely and spent February to April with a team of professionals - Acupuncture, Naturopath, Chiro and Physiotherapy, as well as Pilates. It was all about me and getting better, both mentally and physically. My entire gut flora had to be replaced and replenished, we all know that our health is based on the health and quality of our gut. So this was my mission in life at this point - Apple Cider Vinegar with hot lemon, as many fermented foods as possible, Kimchi on pretty much everything, Probiotics, Flora restore tablets and the list can go on. Need any gut-flora replenishing recipes - I can give you some.
With this focus and my team of professionals, I was told in April of this year, by my IVF Specialist, that she thought I was absolutely ready to try again but not to be too confident that this time would work, it may take a couple of attempts. Here we go... wheels in motion once again, IVF Australia Donor team were fabulous and had kept my original Donor available for 2 more rounds, to allow me one less stressful decision to make and to endure.
Off I went again... back to the clinic to pick up my needles and drugs. I was absolutely fine walking in, however totally different story walking out. I held it together until I was in my car and then I just burst into tears, I felt so sad! I couldn't work out why, I went back home and basically I just lost it! I would have spent from about 6pm crying, in fact uncontrollably sobbing, kissing the box that the twins ashes are in, looking at scans of the boys, really questioning whether I could go through all of this again. I was a mess all night and couldn't sleep - it really stressed me out and I was an emotional wreck. The only way I can really describe it that I was just so drastically sad and heartbroken
I had to face reality, I am still a pretty strong character so I had a bit of a chat with myself for the next 24 hours and reminded myself why I was doing this and that any future pregnancy would not replace my boys but just make me appreciate how lucky I was to have carried them in my womb and to have had that special time with them. I found myself back at square one - the needles were back in my life, tests, scans and prodding had begun and I took on a very positive mindset (admittedly a strong dose of reality and fear that this wouldn't work) but off I went. May 2016 saw another round of insemination and I followed all of my rules - spend the morning in acupuncture, have lunch with my best friend to make me laugh and to calm my nerves slightly, head into the "lab" very relaxed and stay still for a good 15 minutes post-insemination - no need to rush around for any company meetings or boss this time. I then went for a refreshing Bondi to Bronte Walk and watched a funny movie with my friend that night - I had posted a while back about laughter being a good, positive energy on the day of insemination.
That dreaded 2WW had begun... Anxiety had really taken over my life, every little twinge, cramp, multiple thoughts (good and bad) and lots of reading my Twins Memory Book, looking at photos of the Twins scans had consumed any free moments in my day to day. Luckily I had a couple of clients on the books with my new business and this kept me busy and focused, which was a good thing. If there's one thing guaranteed in life - It goes on.
Nowadays I can manage my own timetable around clients and workload, attend my scans and tests with none of the stress, diary changes, meeting priorities and just general worrying, that I had to endure previously. Loving this idea of working for myself - taking the control back and out of the corporate rat race - life is hard enough without adding pressure. Someone said something very funny to me today... "You are an amazing woman, I commend and applaud what you are doing, although you do realise you are completely insane too?!" - Not a truer word spoken!